Sea of Calm – 15 weeks, 3 days

I feel as though I’m in a great, big sea of calmness.  No worries, no paranoia, no questions.  In fact, I haven’t typed in a paranoid pregnancy related question into Dr. Google’s search bar in a good 3 weeks.  I haven’t felt calm like this in a very, very long time and it feels very, very nice.

Since I’ve made this blog public to a handful of people close to us, it’s given me the time to actually read and reflect upon our IVF journey so far.  I realized that I’ve never been so damn worried in my life before than I have over the past 5 months – and even further back to the beginning of 2012 (sorry no blog entries, just scattered and worried dark memories).  The physical parts of the IVF process are nothing in comparison to how your mind reacts to it all!  Both of us have spent the better part of almost 2 years feeling like we’ve had no idea of what was going on, and that worry grew exponentially during the past 5 months.

We used to feel frantic (about when or if we were going to have a family).
Or worried (that we can’t afford the procedure).
Or scared (because “what the hell is going on” and “are we normal”?).
Or alone (because infertility can be a lonely place).

I don’t hold the worry about any of that anymore.  I’ve stopped and let it go in favour of feeling like things will be okay for right now.  I’m not sure when or why it stopped, but I’m happy that it did.  I know that there will be a new phase of worry to invade my mind later on, but I know that it will never feel like it used too.

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When we left the clinic after our viability scan (worst-named scan in the universe btw), and got into the car, the radio gods decided to take irony to a new level for us.  As I’m holding the print-out of our little blob, we turn the radio on and (not kidding here), Bob Marley is singing away for us and making me cry;

“……and every little thing….is gonna be alright…”