Well today is the actual start to our IVF process. The first appointment. It feels kind of surreal still… Mostly because I think we are still in shock that this is the only option. It’s definitely not how I planned on starting a family. I always imagined I would wake up and feel ill and be running to the toilet. I would always be waiting for that symptom because I have this fear of throwing up and wanted to just get it over with. However, it never came.
My other concern is that everything might end up feeling “fake”. The fake conception and possibly if we have twins, a fake birth (c-section).
Whenever I have mentioned how this was not the way I expected on having a family to close friends and family, they have all said the same thing: that you will still have a real pregnancy and a real baby at the end of it. My SIL had a c-section and she had told me that it took her quite awhile after the birth of her son to sort through her feelings about the birth. She had friends who have had children before but naturally, so it didn’t really help because there were certain things she couldn’t relate to and vice versa. However, she made it clear that the end result is the same and that it doesn’t matter how it happens, what matters is that the end “product” is very real and to be proud of it and your body for growing it.
It’s definitely a difficult process emotionally to go through. Most of the time I don’t know what to think – except to stay in a positive frame of mind. I’ve always been an optimist, but now I’m leaning towards the realistic side of optimist.
Note: I wanted to add a bit of clarity to this post. I had a friend read it and she and I had a discussion about how some people might think that I actually think that c-sections are not a real birth (especially those who have had them). I don’t think that at all – so please don’t send me hate mail!
What I meant in this post is this:
Finding out that the chances of becoming spontaneously pregnant (naturally) were basically zero was devastating. It’s not something you ever, EVER dream of. You think, “Nope, not going to happen to me! Someone else, but definitely not me.” And then to find out that the only way you CAN have a biological family is through a scientific procedure, well you kind of feel cheated in life. If that isn’t bad enough, well what if you can’t even deliver naturally due to multiples or complications during labour? Just knowing that a spontaneous pregnancy won’t occur is like being punched in the ovaries. To have so much scheduling done just for life to being, and then to have your once chance at bringing that life into the world possibly taken away – you feel cheated out of something so “natural”. Hence the “fake” part.
Of course, I don’t mean that a c-section is a fake birth. I know many women who have delivered via c-section and I have never once thought the birth of their children was fake. I would be a monster if I thought that! It’s the same as saying that conception through IVF isn’t real – it is, it’s just different. I’m sure that if and when we get to birthing stage and I have to end up having a c-section then I will just deal with it and realize that it’s not the end of the world – especially since it will help bring a future baby into the world.
The important thing about this post when I wrote it was how I was learning to process the emotional aspect of IVF. It’s not easy to let go of “normal” and accept “different”, and it’s even harder to verbalize those thoughts. I don’t expect everyone who reads this to understand, but I wanted to add a bit of clarity to what I wrote. So please, no hate mail 🙂