A tap, push & a shove ~ 20 weeks, 4 days

So while I should be sitting back and relaxing and enjoying the fact that our detailed ultrasound and screening tests came back fine and fantastic, instead I have spent the past 20 minutes in a panic googling sugar levels in urine.  Yeah I’m crazy, right?  Why do I do this to myself?  Sigh….

Last week we went for our detailed ultrasound.  It was very cool.  Okay, beyond cool.  Brilliantly amazing and totally double-rainbow intensly cool and surreal.  Yeah, that will sum it up 🙂  Nick got to see all of it while I was twisting my neck to catch glances from the monitor.  After she took all of the measurments she turned the bed and monitor so I could see as well.  It was incredible to actually see that there was something alive in there!  The funny thing was I began to feel fetal movements a lot stronger just before the ultrasound and ever since!  I felt a few taps and a tiny push sporadically every so often during the past 2 weeks, but now I feel the baby tapping away quite often 🙂

Anyways, we didn’t find out the gender.  It is in the report but we are having a reveal party in a few days to find out with family and some friends.  Nick had a good point about it too (not verbatim): “I’d rather find out if it’s a boy or a girl in a celebratory manner than from a stranger in a dark room in a hospital.”  I know that other people just open the envelope together etc., but since we have both been to a gender reveal party we really love the idea and the surprise factor! 🙂

Two days later I had a routine check-up where we got to hear the heartbeat again (150 bpm).  We didn’t hear it at the ultrasound, but we got to see all of the chambers pumping away at 147 bpm.  Our blood screening came back negative for Down’s (1 in 11,000) and 1 in 4,000 for NTD – happy days!  Then she mentioned that I would be sent off for the glucose test in a few weeks.  That’s fine – totally normal.  Since they test my urine each appointment she mentioned that it was normal (I guess) at 130.  No, she actually used the word “fine” – which everyone knows what that means 😛  I made a mental note to google that information – and thus my worried searching today when I remembered my mental note-to-self.

And… no real conclusive google results which is totally normal because an afternoon of Dr. Googling is like finding a needle in a haystack and then tossing it aside because you find better information which turns out to be useless.  I really should know better by now.  I will practice and excercise patience until the glucose testing and until some actual and conclusive test results come back.  Besides, I really shouldn’t worry myself over something my doctor says is “fine”, right.  Right?

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Belly Silly Worried – 18 weeks

So, I’ve been worried this past week and a half, and I will admit that I suppose I’ve been worried in a silly kind of way too.  Really silly.  Probably most likely, I hope!

Anyways, I’ve been concerned that I don’t really have a noticeable bump yet.  I barely look prego and I’ve only gained 7 pounds total as of this morning.  Everytime Nick mentions that he can see a belly, I can’t see it and I make excuses.

“Oh, I just ate.”
“It’s the maternity pants.  They bunch up all the fat into one area.”
“I wasn’t really super skinny to start with, so that area doesn’t count.”

Go on, laugh at me.  I’ll wait.

I did google it and the top results for “no belly at 16 weeks pregnant” (I did ask again at 17 weeks too) are that everyone grows at different rates, etc especially if it’s your first.  There were a lot of people saying that they didn’t really start showing until 24-30 weeks.  Most of the time I’m okay, but then there are those fleeting moments where your mind goes all stupid and freaks you out.  I was doing okay for a bit, but then I saw on FB a friend who’s only a week behind me post a pic with the caption, “I can’t see my feet anymore!”.  (I’m pretty sure it’s her first kid too as I snooped through her photos looking for signs of other offspring.)  And that’s when all this silly doubt crept in again.

However, I’m sure I’m worried because I’m being uncharacteristically impatient.  I’m sure the little baby is growing just fine but just making go mental because it’s hard to see the progress.  This morning I specifically put on a shirt that I haven’t worn in at least a good week, just so I could see if there was anything.  And, there was a little start of a noticeable belly.  So I guess I’m just being silly about this, unless it’s a belly resulting from that family-sized bag of chips I ate last week.  It also doesn’t help that every pregnancy book/website out there has an unrealistic drawing of what you’re supposed to look like at “x” amount of weeks.  But only time will tell and we have a lot of that to get through before our detailed ultrasound which is 2 weeks away.

Big steps and new memories.

This weekend we started to look around for baby stuff – strollers, car seats, and of course we looked at cribs.  More specifically, we looked at some very expensive cribs.  Cribs that we would never be able to justify buying unless we won the lottery.  I didn’t think that the thought of buying a crib for the baby would make me feel a little uneasy though.  It’s kind of a big step to buy a crib, and it holds a lot of meaning and symbolism when you do.  I mean, it’s not like we haven’t bought a crib before…

In 2006, a friend of ours mentioned that a friend of hers was selling a crib that she no longer needed.  Her three kids had finished with it and she was ready to get rid of it.  She paid $600 for it, but was selling it for only $100 bucks.  We thought it was a great deal because then we would already have a crib.  The trouble was, we didn’t even have a baby yet – or even an embryo – and we also had no idea of what our future held.  But we didn’t think that it would be long before we did need one – so we went ahead and bought it a few days later.

Well, last summer we finally got rid of it.  We had moved it with us to new homes twice already and it just felt like a burden on us.  It was heavy and awkward to carry, but not only that it was a tiny reminder of what we didn’t have yet.  We didn’t need some inanimate object silently mocking us from the corner of our spare room anymore.  We loaded it into the car (along with the other items we planned to donate) and drove it to the Value Village drop-off zone and hoped that someone who needed it would find it and make use of it.  We kind of felt bad about giving it away, but we honestly didn’t want it taking up space in our lives anymore.  When we did eventually need a crib, only then would we get one.

And now, we do need a crib as there’s only 23 weeks left!  So whether or not we buy one or borrow one off a friend, this time will feel right.  It will feel like it’s supposed to feel, scary in the exciting kind of way 🙂

Patience and the Parade of the Deborahs

Happy 16 weeks to us today! I’m feeling pretty good apart from my emergency chiropractor appointments this week.  Apparently pregnancy lets all of your past joint problems surface.  Two nights ago hip and back pain woke me up in the middle of the night.  I did eventually fall back asleep however I was pretty grumpy and in pain for the rest of the day.  I managed to get a last-minute chiro appointment that day and it helped tremendously!  I’m pretty much pain-free at the moment and my chiropractor is taking an aggressive approach to this to make sure that as the pregnancy progresses that I am all sorted out 🙂

I was supposed to have another blood test today (the second part of the screening test), however I was foiled by the Canadian health care system.  I was going to have it done this morning however we had about 3 other things that had to get done in the 15 minute window of free time between getting ready and leaving for work and taking out the garbage was actually more important.  Luckily I can go next week for this test, however I wanted to just get it done with and out of the way.  So, I went at lunch instead – really bad move, especially on a Friday 2 hours before they close.  I really should have known better!

Anyways, I get there and give them my form and carecard and am told to sit and wait.  This is not unusual.  The Canadian health care system is based on patience – err I mean health care for everyone 😉  I should have asked how long the wait was because 10 minutes later about 8 more people showed up and then they told them that the wait was an hour unless you had an appointment.  About half of those new people had appointments so yay for them, not for the people waiting.  I text my supervisor what was going on and he says not to worry and take my time.  Fine, I can wait an hour.

Another ten minutes go by.  My name is called!  Wrong, just another person with the same name (which is odd because Deborah is not a popular name).  Another 20 minutes go by and even more people show up.  My name is called yet again.  I stand up but quickly notice another lady going up to the front.  Another Deborah?!  THAT is very crazy because I can count on one hand the number of other Deborah’s I’ve met in my life.  Fun and Ironic Fact:  My sister has the opposite problem – her name is Jennifer!

So after about 15 more minutes of waiting, I wander up to the front and ask if they have entered my information yet.  Nope.  It was burried under 7 other names to be entered.  So I get my form and card back and leave!  I’m sure I would have been there for at least another hour!  I find out just before I leave that the lady who had been sitting in the corner when I walked in had been there for almost 2 hours.  I don’t blame the nurses, they can only do as much as they can with what they are given.  Definitely overworked and understaffed.  I’ll just go next week, which is kind of too bad because I was really curious to see how many other Deborahs there were in that room 😉

Oh!  My friend “T” who has been a big part of my support system finally had her baby this week!  She went through 6 rounds of IUI and 4 cycles of IVF to become pregnant.  This all happened after suffering a very heart-wrenching loss of their son nearly 5 years ago.  I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is to lose a child, thinking about it just breaks my heart.  She writes a blog for bereaved parents (which is cathartic for herself too), and reading about all of the emotions she has gone through with grieving and also going through a pregnancy after a loss was overwhelming.  I am so very happy for her and her husband to have gone through a healthy pregnancy and birth of their daughter.  It definitely was not an easy journey for them, but this is definitely a positive time for them!

Sea of Calm – 15 weeks, 3 days

I feel as though I’m in a great, big sea of calmness.  No worries, no paranoia, no questions.  In fact, I haven’t typed in a paranoid pregnancy related question into Dr. Google’s search bar in a good 3 weeks.  I haven’t felt calm like this in a very, very long time and it feels very, very nice.

Since I’ve made this blog public to a handful of people close to us, it’s given me the time to actually read and reflect upon our IVF journey so far.  I realized that I’ve never been so damn worried in my life before than I have over the past 5 months – and even further back to the beginning of 2012 (sorry no blog entries, just scattered and worried dark memories).  The physical parts of the IVF process are nothing in comparison to how your mind reacts to it all!  Both of us have spent the better part of almost 2 years feeling like we’ve had no idea of what was going on, and that worry grew exponentially during the past 5 months.

We used to feel frantic (about when or if we were going to have a family).
Or worried (that we can’t afford the procedure).
Or scared (because “what the hell is going on” and “are we normal”?).
Or alone (because infertility can be a lonely place).

I don’t hold the worry about any of that anymore.  I’ve stopped and let it go in favour of feeling like things will be okay for right now.  I’m not sure when or why it stopped, but I’m happy that it did.  I know that there will be a new phase of worry to invade my mind later on, but I know that it will never feel like it used too.

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When we left the clinic after our viability scan (worst-named scan in the universe btw), and got into the car, the radio gods decided to take irony to a new level for us.  As I’m holding the print-out of our little blob, we turn the radio on and (not kidding here), Bob Marley is singing away for us and making me cry;

“……and every little thing….is gonna be alright…”

How far we have come

This is the day where I make this blog public.  Public in the sense of telling a handful of people privately.  Yes, I do want others to find and read this blog, however I don’t need every single one of my 300 FB friends (and even more on Nick’s side) reading this.  This blog will be found by others suffering from infertility via google and post tags – and those are the people who I want to find this blog.  No matter how public we have been while speaking about our treatment with others/the media, this is a blog with our personal thoughts.  The decision to share this blog with close family and friends wasn’t easy – but we feel that it’s important that those close to us get an idea of what we (mostly me) have gone through.

IVF is a very invasive procedure on the emotional side of things.  Yes, you are poked, prodded and other things, but the idea of how to wrap your mind around this process is difficult.  I have spent the past 4 and a half months blogging (with small appearances from Nick) and it really has helped me (and us) understand how we feel about this treatment and what “normal” or “natural” is.  How I may have felt 4 months ago might be different as to how I feel now – which is good because it means progress!  This journey is not over yet; there’s still almost 26 weeks to go!  We are taking each day one at a time and are very thankful for how far we have come.

Heartbeat!

Our doctor’s appointment last Thursday morning went well.  Everything is normal, but I guess she didn’t get the results back from the screening because she didn’t mention them.  I go back on the 27th for the second part of that blood work.  No ultrasound either, but we did get to hear the heartbeat (140bpm)! It’s honestly the most amazing sounds you can hear ever in your life.  To hear that there is something else living in you is surreal!  Other than that it was a pretty routine exam.  They will call me when the get an ultrasound date, but it won’t be for another 4 or 5 weeks and then shortly after we will find out if it’s a girl or a boy!